No Hurry

This is going to sound out there, but whatever.

A number of months ago I realized that I am the agent of joy in my life. While external factors can increase or decrease my momentary happiness, I have the capacity to impact the level of it over the long term. I can raise the bar on my life, consciously, deliberately, and benefit from that throughout my days. I haven’t yet worked out the phrasing that works the best, but I tell myself that “I bring joy.” I’ve been trying to remind myself of this during my working days, but rarely is it something I remember. When I was at the school board I was too busy, too distracted. I would push through my hours while my consciousness would bubble up and evaporate.

When we moved to the Okanagan I was still distracted, maybe even more so. It has only been three weeks, but I’ve focused on practical things to help us get settled here. Things like waste management and grey water, improving our living space and finding work. All of these things have been necessary and continue to be so; we have a lot of work to do before the snow comes. But I’ve just about forgotten how to live properly and deliberately. I don’t take time during the day to regain peace. I plow through my days busily – even more busy than before – and get angry because of it.

The only upshot is that slowly, I have been remembering that I bring joy. I’ve been able on occasion to remind myself of this when I’m by myself at work, or driving there swearing at other drivers, or lamenting that my days are not my own and that I have already diminished the opportunities to really spend time on and learn about our land. I’ve been able to correct a little bit of my bad behaviour.

But it can be lonely. Those moments that I remember that I am responsible for my happiness relegates all things around me to being secondary. I’ve found it isolating, which I like, but the place of mind that it brings is on the cusp of self-pity, a type of “I don’t need them” pout, so I have to be careful, and I have to remind myself of all of the good things that I have and all of the reasons that I have to feel connection.

I have a lifetime to experience this property, and a lifetime to experience this land. It doesn’t all have to happen at once, and it will never be done anyway so there really is no hurry.