I’m coming to understand two things.
One, I’m coming into something that I might not be able to handle. An awareness, a state of understanding, a something or other that might be beyond my skill set. I’ll never make a million bucks off of it like Eckart Tolle, but god willing it’ll give me some sense of peace before I die, and also god willing I’ll realize it before I die.
The second, and maybe more dangerous, is an acceptance that I belong in the forest. Ya, I know, we all belong in the forest, we all need nature, yada yada. But earlier I was laying in the watercut with the dogs with my fingers intertwined and cradling the back of my skull, and I just melted there. I could see the poplars with the start of fragrant, green foliage dotting the forest ceiling, some birds away in the woods chirping, Dublin – the big dog – gumming some grasses he was grazing upon, and my mind started to empty. I thought of how someone suggested that my connection to nature is an enviable connection, but then I thought, what if I’m drawn irrevocably in? And I want to be. I want to do the Into the Wild gig (with a happier ending) and wash away into the woods. I’m content there. I am with those forces that sustain me, that created me. I need not embrace that gnarled, old spruce tree I see, I need to disappear into it.
I’m afraid my prayers will become escape.
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